Handkerchiefs

I was a sittin here this morning watching the football dummies on Sports Center and I just started shaking my head in total disgust. You know the show I’m talking about, the one where they have four guys and it’s a politically correct combination of two white guys that don’t know squat about football and two black guys that don’t know squat about football. Everything in TV land is in perfect harmony and they’re a babbling on about three step drops and four step drops and such. I’m sittin there thinkin to myself, “They’re just a babbling to see if maybe they can get their names inscribed on a plaque at the original “Tower of Babble.” You know the one that Charlton Heston was talking to God about in that movie.

Well as I’m watchin this I notice all four guys have on these real expensive suits, and I mean we’re not talking K-Mart here and they have $100 ties and matching handkerchiefs in the pocket of their jackets. Now, I don’t know about you, but the sight of a handkerchief makes me think of runny noses and snot. That’s why out here in Iowa people stuff the dang things in their pants pocket and the only time you’ll ever see one is when they’re a tootin into them and wiping their noses clean. You sure as heck don’t see silky pink or green handkerchiefs around here and there ain’t nobody gonna carry them around in their Sunday best. Oh no, they’re stuffed in the pants pocket and the only daylight they’ll see is when your nose runs. That usually earns you a dirty look from the good Reverend.

These football dummies are makin fools of themselves if you ask me. I mean if you run down to the Tractor Supply store and buy a three pack of hankies you’ll immediately notice they’re a dark blue or dark red with all sorts of lines and designs on them. Why do they make them like that you ask? To disguise the snot, that’s why. Good grief, you’d think these guys would know better, but that’s what happens when you get hit in the head a lot, you start wearin silk handkerchiefs in your suit pocket and a stupid grin on your face. God forbid one of these knuckleheads has to sneeze on the set. I’m telling you it wouldn’t be a pretty sight, what with high definition and such. I guarantee you they wouldn’t stuff it back in their jacket pocket. Nope, it’d go in their britches where it belongs in the first place.

The whole show’s silly from the fact that they don’t know diddly poop about football to the fact that from a fashion sense they’re a makin absolute fools of themselves. Besides, after listening to five minutes of three step drops and five step drops I get to the point where I want to scream, “Who cares about cellar steps you ninkompoops! Talk some football would ya! “Beam me up Scotty.”