We're Back Online

That's right, heeee's back! Good grief you'd a thunk I'd been gone for several weeks or something. Well wait, I guess I was gone for several weeks. I couldn't believe the number of complaints from people a clammerin for me to get back to work and do what I do best, inseminate wisdom! Why one person even took to calling me names and told me my butt crack was old. Now that was a tad mean considerin I'm pushin 60 and the butt crack is connected. Actually I ain't pushin it, I'm going to run right over it here in a few days. So stop with the complaints!

MY fans, (At last count there were three, two were my sisters Pauline and Clara) need to realize that bloggin takes a toll on ya, not to mention I was breakin up with Arlene and a movin to a new place all the while degenerating my brain! I was told by a EX-friend of mine that in order to be a successful blogger and make a zillion dollars B.S. ing people I needed to let the writin come to me. He said I was a pushin way too hard and he could see the strain in my articles, kinda like the strain you go through when you're sittin on the porcelain throne after eatin three chili dogs and a drinkin too much Jimmy Beam. So I relaxed, I cleared my mind and I began to breath in a controlled fashion and I kinda just sat there a ponderin what he said.

Well, nothin happened! Not a damn thing! I just sat there and then I started to realize my shorts were bunchin up in my behind area and then the end of my nose sarted to itch and this went on for days. How in the hell are you supposed to pondeficate words of wisdom when your nose is itchin and ya feel like someone's run a rope up your rump? It can't be done so I told the moron to mind his own damn business and to get his damn ridin mower off my property. That was that. I was worried because I thought maybe I had lost the gift of the "Lilting" word and what in tarnation would I do if I couldn't help educate people. Hell, I'd be a ripple without water, a puff without smoke a, aw hell you get the picture. I got so worried I went out last night and got a little skunked up. Beer and Beam will do that to ya and when I woke up this mornin I was hung over as hell but the gift had returned. I felt blessed, said a small prayer and knocked down some Bromoseltzer. See, right there's a lilting word!

So now I have some catchin up to do, but the stories are just rollin right out of this massive computer called my brain. Tomorrow I'm doin a story on contollin our borders and I'm also going to take dead aim at our first duly elected US Dictator, Barack Obama and it ain't gonna be pretty. I'll probably get snitched on and thrown in a Gulag or Guantanamo or something, but what the hell, I have to have my say. Till then it's, "Beam me up Scotty," oh and that gal that said my butt was a gettin old! I'll have ya know I got one of them there Jane Fonda "Buns of Steel" videos and I beg to differ!