Plumbers Butt

Yessiree Bob, this here is the definitive article on the causes and the prevention of that dreaded condition known as, “Plumber’s Butt.” Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t aware of this dreaded malady until I was over at one of my girlfriends Arlene’s house trying to unplug her damn sink the other day. You’d think she’d know better than to dump coleslaw and mash potatoes down the damn drain, but Arlene’s long on looks and short on shingles, if you get my drift.

Anyhow I was down underneath the sink a cussing the damn thing and she kept on giggling like a little girl. Finally I said, “Arlene, just what the hell’s so damn funny?” Her answer shook me to my very core cause she said, “Merle honey, you’re exhibiting a mighty fine case of “Plumber’s Butt. Why you dear man, the crack of your hiney’s there for God and the world to see.” DAMN! Why, I felt downright violated I did and to make matters worse I was a wearin my slightly pinkish shorts after I’d had the bleaching accident the week before. You see, you don’t wash white shorts with red shirts and add a little bleach for good measure because you’ll end up with more pink clothing than some “Gay Dude” from Hollywood. Well, I was rightly embarrassed and I determined I’d investigate the problem and report back so’s I can maybe save at least one other feller from this humiliating circumstance.

What I found out was “Plumber’s Butt” is a common malady amongst us white males on account we ain’t really got butts. There's laws that govern the entire universe like "Gravity," "E=MC2" and "White guys have Plumber's Butt." Can't be helped, it's LAW! Now them black fellers have butts, but that’s because they’re athletic and muscular and such. Hell, us white dudes never do much more than sprint like hell from the living room to the John when nature makes a call after drinkin a twelve pack. The height of exercise for most of us is thumbing the remote and pickin our noses on account we tend to consume way too much beer and Jimmy Beam. That little idiosyncrasy creates big guts, which creates a major gravitational pull, thus pulling our behinds around from the back where they're held firmly at our sides. That’s actually where them “Love Handles” come from. It’s was once the butts of our youth. To add to the problem, not having a butt and having a big gut means we’re constantly suffering from “Natural Snuggys.” That’s why ya see fellers a grabbin at their back sides all the time. There trying to dislodge their shorts from you know where!

After I’d looked into this problem I pondered a bit and as usual came up with a sure fire solution. (See pictures above) Now obviously the picture on the left reveals (Ha, ha, I’m “Crackin” myself up!) a serious outbreak of “P.B.” Well, there’s actually nothing known to mankind that’s going to actually cure it so I came up with the simplest of ideas. You merely need to change your wardrobe and the problem’s solved as in, “No If Ands or “Butts.” (Damn I’m funny) As the picture on the right shows, wearing a good pair of Lee overalls keeps my sensitive areas from the prying eyes of over sexed women or one of your damn buddies with a damn ice tray in his hands. I can work in peace now knowin I ain’t broadcasting my behind to everybody in the neighborhood. I hope that this little bit of research helps prevent another man from suffering the pain and humiliation of having his crack a showin to God knows who and then bein called those painful names like, “Crack Head,” or bangin your head on the sink after your dumb ass friend shoves an ice cube down your divider! Well, that’s it, time for a smidgen of Jimmy Beam. Remember what ole Merle says, “Keep your crack parked in the barn!”