That’s right; it popped right out of my mouth. Whenever I’m around my sister Clara and exposed to her nincompoop ideas I get so frustrated I’ll look her in the eye and out pops something like; ”I’ll be a Blue Nosed Gopher Clara, you gotta be dumber than a box of rocks.” That usually gets me my “Home Free Pass” and I can then Skeedaddle on down to “Ernie’s North Side Tap” and have me some refreshment and talk to folks that aren’t nincompoops like the aforementioned sister. Now, don’t get me wrong, I try to be a “good” big brother when it comes to my sister on account she ought to be classified as retarded in my book, but then she did graduate High School and for some reason her friends think she’s the Cat’s Meow. Of course her friends are a bunch of blue ribbon nincompoops too. Most of em don’t speak to me because I’m an intellectual and they’re not comfy talking to an intellectual. Of course the fact that most of em are uglier than sin don’t help foster any conversation with yours truly, the town Pied Piper if you get my drift.
Here’s what got me a goin the other day. Clara was talking up a storm about this and about that and I was a sittin there pretendin to listen while knockin down some of my brother-in law Byron’s tasty homemade potato wine. He makes some mighty fine stuff if you ask me. He’s sort of an idiot savant when it comes to makin wine, where as Clara’s just an idiot. That’s really the only reason I actually go up there and that’s to have a snoot. Even though I’m enduring Clara’s mindless ramblings, why about halfway through my second glass of hooch I get so numb she basically becomes quite tolerable up to a point.
Well on this day she was a goin on about the weather and how it had been so rainy and cold for this time of year. Her comment was, “Why we’ve barely had a summer this year, what with so much rain and chilly weather and such.” Well, up to that point I was on board, but then she said; “You know why that is don’t ya Merle?” and I said, “Because it’s been rainy and cold!” She gave me this look and said; “It’s on account of Global warming you idiot! Don’t you ever watch ABC news? We’re all gonna die if they don’t get them SUV’s and charcoal broilers off the market.”
Well, I sat there for a minute trying to understand what the hell I’d just heard. Calmly I said to her, “Now let’s get this straight, it’s cold this summer because it’s actually getting warmer. Odd, I calmly said to her, but that really don’t make a lick of sense.” That’s when I blew and declared myself a four legged blue nosed dirt digger and for good health gave Clara her current IQ ranking somewhere between a lumber pile and a box of rocks. Well the damn girl wouldn’t let up. She said she’d watched a special and that Al Gore, the former Vice President that shoulda been “THE” president, who was also a “Nobel Prize” winning scientist, and the author of the movie “Love Story,” was predicting Armageddon in five years on account of SUV’s, charcoal broilers and cow farts. Well that did it and I decided to hurl a little of my intellectual weight her way. Ole Merle did a Krakatau and I blew sky high.
“Al Gore!!!!! You gotta be kiddin me! He’s a bigger moron than you! Let me guess, he probably also said that New York would be under three feet of water on account of a bunch of pissed off Polar Bears. I’ll bet he said them bears were so pissed off at the human race they were all goin to dive off their icebergs at the same time doing a synchronized full gainer which would cause a massive tidal wave that would take out the Big Apple and all points south! Oh, and then I bet he said that Iowa would become a incinerated waste land cause the cow farts would be ignited when we collided with the Planet Niburu in 2012! It’s on the “Internet” he INVENTED for crying out loud! That Moron probably hasn’t been in a science class since he was in the third grade, if he made it that far, but then I guess if you graduated from high school, anything’s possible.”
Well as she was a showin me the door and incorrectly describing my relationship to my mother I got in one more blast. “Global Warming is about as real as your brain! They’re both total myths you nincompoop!” That’s when she popped me with the mop she had conveniently hidden behind the door. Well it’s been several days and we ain’t been speakin, but from every conflict come the seeds of new ideas and thoughts. I now know what I’m getting her for Christmas this year! Yup, a year’s supply of Sun Tan Lotion! Beam me up Scotty!
Here’s what got me a goin the other day. Clara was talking up a storm about this and about that and I was a sittin there pretendin to listen while knockin down some of my brother-in law Byron’s tasty homemade potato wine. He makes some mighty fine stuff if you ask me. He’s sort of an idiot savant when it comes to makin wine, where as Clara’s just an idiot. That’s really the only reason I actually go up there and that’s to have a snoot. Even though I’m enduring Clara’s mindless ramblings, why about halfway through my second glass of hooch I get so numb she basically becomes quite tolerable up to a point.
Well on this day she was a goin on about the weather and how it had been so rainy and cold for this time of year. Her comment was, “Why we’ve barely had a summer this year, what with so much rain and chilly weather and such.” Well, up to that point I was on board, but then she said; “You know why that is don’t ya Merle?” and I said, “Because it’s been rainy and cold!” She gave me this look and said; “It’s on account of Global warming you idiot! Don’t you ever watch ABC news? We’re all gonna die if they don’t get them SUV’s and charcoal broilers off the market.”
Well, I sat there for a minute trying to understand what the hell I’d just heard. Calmly I said to her, “Now let’s get this straight, it’s cold this summer because it’s actually getting warmer. Odd, I calmly said to her, but that really don’t make a lick of sense.” That’s when I blew and declared myself a four legged blue nosed dirt digger and for good health gave Clara her current IQ ranking somewhere between a lumber pile and a box of rocks. Well the damn girl wouldn’t let up. She said she’d watched a special and that Al Gore, the former Vice President that shoulda been “THE” president, who was also a “Nobel Prize” winning scientist, and the author of the movie “Love Story,” was predicting Armageddon in five years on account of SUV’s, charcoal broilers and cow farts. Well that did it and I decided to hurl a little of my intellectual weight her way. Ole Merle did a Krakatau and I blew sky high.
“Al Gore!!!!! You gotta be kiddin me! He’s a bigger moron than you! Let me guess, he probably also said that New York would be under three feet of water on account of a bunch of pissed off Polar Bears. I’ll bet he said them bears were so pissed off at the human race they were all goin to dive off their icebergs at the same time doing a synchronized full gainer which would cause a massive tidal wave that would take out the Big Apple and all points south! Oh, and then I bet he said that Iowa would become a incinerated waste land cause the cow farts would be ignited when we collided with the Planet Niburu in 2012! It’s on the “Internet” he INVENTED for crying out loud! That Moron probably hasn’t been in a science class since he was in the third grade, if he made it that far, but then I guess if you graduated from high school, anything’s possible.”
Well as she was a showin me the door and incorrectly describing my relationship to my mother I got in one more blast. “Global Warming is about as real as your brain! They’re both total myths you nincompoop!” That’s when she popped me with the mop she had conveniently hidden behind the door. Well it’s been several days and we ain’t been speakin, but from every conflict come the seeds of new ideas and thoughts. I now know what I’m getting her for Christmas this year! Yup, a year’s supply of Sun Tan Lotion! Beam me up Scotty!
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