There’s a damn good reason why people go off their rockers and start hearing voices! Hell, it’s guaranteed if you ever have a problem with a bill and have to call a damn company to get something straightened out. It’s the damn voice on the other end of the phone that’ll send you over the dad-blamed edge.
Case in point. I went to the mail box yesterday today and low and behold there were three, count em, three letters from my phone/cable company/internet service. Well the only time they ever send me a letter is when they want money and that’s called a “BILL.” Well getting three letters from them caused me to blow a little cheese if you get my drift. I went back to the house and opened up the first one and sure enough, they wanted me to pay them some money. The problem was the amount was wrong. My hands shook as I opened the second letter. It said “my security was a priority with them and they were giving me a brand new “Randomly Selected” Pin Number.” OK, it was only four digits in length and wouldn’t cover too much space on the palm of my hand so no problemo. The third letter said that if I hadn’t requested a new pin number, I’d better give them a call or someone might assume my identity. Well, being famous and a well read blogger means I can’t be taking chances. I decided I’d better give them a "Howdy Doody" cause I hadn’t requested a change in my pin number and the damn bill was wrong to boot.
That’s when the voices started. The first voice you heard was mine going “Aw Shit!” cause the damn phone number was 1-800-friggin words instead of friggin numbers like it’s supposed to be. It took me fifteen minutes to decipher the damn thing. Then I hear a voice on the other end and I swear it was Chinese or Navajo or something. I didn’t have a clue what she said. I swear, It’s always a damn woman cause God put em on this here planet to torture us men plain and simple. Then, finally an American girl said, “In order to better serve you please enter your pin number.” So I entered the number they sent me that I hadn’t requested, so I could complain about the bill being wrong and such! That damn voice told me “Sorry, the number you entered is incorrect” and she hung up on me!
Well that was just dandy! I saw a second number, deciphered it and gave it a whirl. This time I got a Spanish voice, “Buenos Dias” so I waited and finally here came the American gal and she said, “If you’re calling about your phone service, hit one, your cable service, hit two, your phone service, hit three, your billing,” (Wee, you get the picture) so after she finally stopped at eight, I had to listen all over again cause I completely forgot the first four. Well, this went on for several minutes and I finally decided to hit seven on account it’s my lucky number. Lucky my butt! Now I had to listen to her go through seven more numbers and I swear number six was, “If you like wasting your time and scratching your ass hit six,” but I was a getting worked up at this point and maybe I did a Roger Clemens and "misremembered." I’ll be damned though, I did catch myself scratching my butt, so they must know what they’re talking about.
I finally got someone on the line, a guy believe it or not and I explained the problem to him. Well, after I spent two minutes telling him the problem he told me he was the wrong person and he’d have to transfer me to another person and he put me on hold again. DAMN! There she was again, that damn woman and her voice, “Your call is important to us. All our representatives are currently helping others. Your patience is appreciated. Your estimated time on hold is, “FIFTEEN MINUTES!” She said that every friggin ten seconds and I ain’t kiddin when I tell you I’m sure they were attempting to control my mind like in one of those old Twilight Zone movies. Well, the next thing I know I was startled awake by the phone beeping like a friggin bomb and it was apparent she’d put me to sleep instead of controlling my mind. I decided it wasn’t that big a deal. I also figured It was simpler to over pay the bill and quite frankly I don’t give a rat’s ass if someone assumes my identity. They could do worse. I AM callin my shrink in the morning though cause I AM hearing all kinds of voices. Chinese, Burmese, Congolese and music! MUSIC? Aw crap, the phone's screwed up! Here we go again! Now what was my pin number? Beam me up Scotty!
Case in point. I went to the mail box yesterday today and low and behold there were three, count em, three letters from my phone/cable company/internet service. Well the only time they ever send me a letter is when they want money and that’s called a “BILL.” Well getting three letters from them caused me to blow a little cheese if you get my drift. I went back to the house and opened up the first one and sure enough, they wanted me to pay them some money. The problem was the amount was wrong. My hands shook as I opened the second letter. It said “my security was a priority with them and they were giving me a brand new “Randomly Selected” Pin Number.” OK, it was only four digits in length and wouldn’t cover too much space on the palm of my hand so no problemo. The third letter said that if I hadn’t requested a new pin number, I’d better give them a call or someone might assume my identity. Well, being famous and a well read blogger means I can’t be taking chances. I decided I’d better give them a "Howdy Doody" cause I hadn’t requested a change in my pin number and the damn bill was wrong to boot.
That’s when the voices started. The first voice you heard was mine going “Aw Shit!” cause the damn phone number was 1-800-friggin words instead of friggin numbers like it’s supposed to be. It took me fifteen minutes to decipher the damn thing. Then I hear a voice on the other end and I swear it was Chinese or Navajo or something. I didn’t have a clue what she said. I swear, It’s always a damn woman cause God put em on this here planet to torture us men plain and simple. Then, finally an American girl said, “In order to better serve you please enter your pin number.” So I entered the number they sent me that I hadn’t requested, so I could complain about the bill being wrong and such! That damn voice told me “Sorry, the number you entered is incorrect” and she hung up on me!
Well that was just dandy! I saw a second number, deciphered it and gave it a whirl. This time I got a Spanish voice, “Buenos Dias” so I waited and finally here came the American gal and she said, “If you’re calling about your phone service, hit one, your cable service, hit two, your phone service, hit three, your billing,” (Wee, you get the picture) so after she finally stopped at eight, I had to listen all over again cause I completely forgot the first four. Well, this went on for several minutes and I finally decided to hit seven on account it’s my lucky number. Lucky my butt! Now I had to listen to her go through seven more numbers and I swear number six was, “If you like wasting your time and scratching your ass hit six,” but I was a getting worked up at this point and maybe I did a Roger Clemens and "misremembered." I’ll be damned though, I did catch myself scratching my butt, so they must know what they’re talking about.
I finally got someone on the line, a guy believe it or not and I explained the problem to him. Well, after I spent two minutes telling him the problem he told me he was the wrong person and he’d have to transfer me to another person and he put me on hold again. DAMN! There she was again, that damn woman and her voice, “Your call is important to us. All our representatives are currently helping others. Your patience is appreciated. Your estimated time on hold is, “FIFTEEN MINUTES!” She said that every friggin ten seconds and I ain’t kiddin when I tell you I’m sure they were attempting to control my mind like in one of those old Twilight Zone movies. Well, the next thing I know I was startled awake by the phone beeping like a friggin bomb and it was apparent she’d put me to sleep instead of controlling my mind. I decided it wasn’t that big a deal. I also figured It was simpler to over pay the bill and quite frankly I don’t give a rat’s ass if someone assumes my identity. They could do worse. I AM callin my shrink in the morning though cause I AM hearing all kinds of voices. Chinese, Burmese, Congolese and music! MUSIC? Aw crap, the phone's screwed up! Here we go again! Now what was my pin number? Beam me up Scotty!
No comments:
Post a Comment