That’s right! I had the BeJesus scared out of me yesterday down at Ernie’s Tap. I stopped by on my lunch break to have my usual pick me up, a beer and a bump of Jim Beam and I sat next to this feller from Cedar Rapids named Loyd. Well at first I thought Loyd was just another Big City nincompoop but he seemed to take an interest in me. It was probably due to my bearing which is obvious to the well informed. They know that anybody drinking a beer and a bump at 12:30 PM must be a tad deep.
Well I struck up a conversation with this Loyd feller and the next thing you know he launches into this tirade about the end of the world coming in 2012 because of some “Planet X named Nimiru.” To hear ole Loyd describe it, this rogue planet shows up on our door-step every 3600 years, give or take a month or two and it kicks our ass ends. Now think about the logic of that for a second! Why according to him the fellers that run that planet show up and start stealing all our good looking women including the Playboy Bunnies, all our gold, and for all he knew our prescription sun glasses. He says he’s a hidin in a shelter that year and it turns out this guy’s a banker for crying out loud!
Well he could see I was a tad skeptical so he told me to go home and “Google it.” Well now that puzzled the hell out of me. I mean I know how to ogle and I can skooch, but what the hell does “Google it” mean. I wondered if maybe that was like gargling and thinking combined into one word or some such thing. Well the guy scared the hell out of me. I mean according to him this ole Planet X was going to destroy the Earth and it was going to happen in three years. What a Moron!
Here’s what scares the BeJesus out of me. Anybody with a brain and the latest issue of the Globe knows that the aliens that left the crashed space ship behind there in Roswell, New Mexico are returning next year to retrieve the damn thing and they’re going to be real pissed when they get here. They’re not very happy about us jailin all their buddies up there in Nevada at Area 51. By the time they get done a kickin our ass ends and then enslaving us, they’ll be runnin the show around here and with the Gamma Ray guns they have on their space ships we sure as hell don’t have to fear no “Planet X!” They’ll blow that bugger out of the sky before it ever gets past Mars. I read all about it in this month’s Globe. Then these little green dudes will leave us with a list of to do’s and they’ll head off to retrieve a couple more of their space ships. Seems these aliens have great Gamma Ray Guns but they’re lousy pilots. They could probably learn a thing or two from Captain Kirk.
But I digress. I pounded down my Beam and then fixed my gaze on this feller Loyd and said; “Loyd my friend, who do you think we are around here, a bunch of hicks? I’m here to tell you that your “Planet X” has about as much a chance against the Aliens that’ll be ruling this world next year from the planet "Vokmar" as a snowball in hell. They’ll be no match for an XR3 Gamma Ray burst gun you nincompoop! Go “Gargle it” and see for yourself.” Well he didn’t appreciate hearing the truth and he got up in a huff and strolled out of Ernie’s all bent to hell. He even called me a dumb ass in the process, he did. It didn’t bother me. He don’t read the Globe, so I knew who the real dumb ass was? Well, I gotta go on account of me and Melvin are installing one of his Porta Potties in my underground shelter. “Beam me up Scotty!”
Well I struck up a conversation with this Loyd feller and the next thing you know he launches into this tirade about the end of the world coming in 2012 because of some “Planet X named Nimiru.” To hear ole Loyd describe it, this rogue planet shows up on our door-step every 3600 years, give or take a month or two and it kicks our ass ends. Now think about the logic of that for a second! Why according to him the fellers that run that planet show up and start stealing all our good looking women including the Playboy Bunnies, all our gold, and for all he knew our prescription sun glasses. He says he’s a hidin in a shelter that year and it turns out this guy’s a banker for crying out loud!
Well he could see I was a tad skeptical so he told me to go home and “Google it.” Well now that puzzled the hell out of me. I mean I know how to ogle and I can skooch, but what the hell does “Google it” mean. I wondered if maybe that was like gargling and thinking combined into one word or some such thing. Well the guy scared the hell out of me. I mean according to him this ole Planet X was going to destroy the Earth and it was going to happen in three years. What a Moron!
Here’s what scares the BeJesus out of me. Anybody with a brain and the latest issue of the Globe knows that the aliens that left the crashed space ship behind there in Roswell, New Mexico are returning next year to retrieve the damn thing and they’re going to be real pissed when they get here. They’re not very happy about us jailin all their buddies up there in Nevada at Area 51. By the time they get done a kickin our ass ends and then enslaving us, they’ll be runnin the show around here and with the Gamma Ray guns they have on their space ships we sure as hell don’t have to fear no “Planet X!” They’ll blow that bugger out of the sky before it ever gets past Mars. I read all about it in this month’s Globe. Then these little green dudes will leave us with a list of to do’s and they’ll head off to retrieve a couple more of their space ships. Seems these aliens have great Gamma Ray Guns but they’re lousy pilots. They could probably learn a thing or two from Captain Kirk.
But I digress. I pounded down my Beam and then fixed my gaze on this feller Loyd and said; “Loyd my friend, who do you think we are around here, a bunch of hicks? I’m here to tell you that your “Planet X” has about as much a chance against the Aliens that’ll be ruling this world next year from the planet "Vokmar" as a snowball in hell. They’ll be no match for an XR3 Gamma Ray burst gun you nincompoop! Go “Gargle it” and see for yourself.” Well he didn’t appreciate hearing the truth and he got up in a huff and strolled out of Ernie’s all bent to hell. He even called me a dumb ass in the process, he did. It didn’t bother me. He don’t read the Globe, so I knew who the real dumb ass was? Well, I gotta go on account of me and Melvin are installing one of his Porta Potties in my underground shelter. “Beam me up Scotty!”
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