Khloe' Kardashian

I was standin in the line at the Supermarket the other day and as you all know, that’s where I read a lot. Well my eyes were yanked out of their sockets by this cover story of some gal named Khloe’ Kardashian and she was a wearin a blue bikini and the Headline Screamed, “Don’t Call Me Fat.” Well, I was stunned because lookin at that body evoked a lot of calls for sure, but none were associated with the word “Fat!”

I mean there was the, “I’d like to call you up,” thought. There was I’d like to call you, “Baby, baby, baby” thought. There was the “Call of the wild,” thought and of course there was the “put in a call for some Viagra,” thought, but nowhere was I a callin her fat. The girl must be brainwashed or something. I mean if she showed up out here in Iowa she’d be steppin over more guys than cow shit. She was that good looking. That damn bikini was a promotin her talents better than any Hollywood talent scout ever could. Hell, just lookin at that picture was givin me heart proliferations and I had to step back for a minute so as to collect myself, but then I got to thinkin. (I’m, if nothing, a thinkin man.)

I thunk, “Don’t let the body fool ya Merle, she still a Kardashian and you have no idea how what they'd do to earth males while makin love.” I remember that Kardashian gal on Star Trek and she was one weird lookin chick. Why in another couple of years this Khloe’ gal’s gonna have one of them funny foreheads too and if she puts on any weight so’s she’s actually a tad heavy, then all you’re ever gonna do is look at that damn forehead and wonder just what the hell’s under them bumps anyways? I stepped back up close and looked at the picture to see if I could see any bumps that were a growin on her forehead. Sure enough, Martha, the checkout gal thought I was a starin at the more prominent bumps currently surrounded by the blue bikini and she bellowed, “Merle you pervert! You drool on our magazines one more time and there’ll be hell to pay.” I hollered back, “I’ll be payin you for my groceries Martha, and that’s hell enough!”

You know, maybe if you could keep a Kardashian gal at the proper weight and you didn’t mind travelin all over the Universe it wouldn’t be so bad, the forehead and everything. Sure they're amoral, powerful and intelligent beings, but that sure would beat the hell outa being married to a pain in the wazoo like Martha. Beam me up Scotty! “Oh, and Scotty, is that Kardashian gal up on the bridge?” Ha, ha I crack myself up sometimes! "Oh! Hi there Martha, let me see your forehead. Just a kiddin!!”