Now I didn’t become one of the most sought after men in these here parts by accident. No sir, I have carefully crafted my image as a dashing, sophisticated bachelor. One of the key ingredients to my success is my attention to cleanliness and good “Hygiene.” I know there are fellers out there wondering how is it ole Merle always seems to be seen in the company of one good looking woman after another, Dorothy Bockensted being the most recent example. I took her to see that Vin Diesel movie and she didn't cared for it much. She said it was too bloody which baffles me cause them's the best movies in my humble opinion. Despite the bad movie review it didn’t prevent her from a little snuggling with ole Merle if you know what I mean. So here are some things to think about if you want to have the love life of a stallion.
First and most important you need to take a bath every couple of weeks or so. I'm not kidding! Now I admit to being a bit of a clean freak, so I take a bath every Friday whether I need it or not. Sure, I get a lot of grief at the Friday night poker game from the boys, you know, they say things like “Merle you smell like a Posy and such stuff.” My attitude is, “to hell with them!” Let them make their smart aleck cracks because they’re just jealous because I’m the one that’s out there with all the high class ladies and that's because I don’t smell like hog shit and cow manure. So, despite the ignorance and trite comments of a few lesser souls, I bath at least once a week. Now I have done a lot of soap testing and after exhaustive study, not to mention wrinkled skin, I’ve finally settled on Mr. Bubble as my official bath soap. I’m so convinced that Mr. Bubble is the way to go in the personal hygiene field that I’ve written the Mr. Bubble people and told them I’d be glad to be their spokes person and more than willing to do their commercials and things. I haven’t heard back yet, but let’s just say it’s in the works. I mean let’s face it, lots a bubbles means lots of cleaning power and that’s what I’m looking for. Why, when I emerge after I submerge I down right sparkle!!!! Hey! There’s a slogan right there!
The next thing I’d highly recommend is my “Merle’s Customized Back Brush.” Now what I did was I took my spare toilet bowl brush, hosed her off a bit and then added an extension so that I could really give my back a good scrubbin. This highly technological bath tool with its firm bristles guarantees you'll get all that scaly stuff off your back and with its improved length, allows you to get all those hard to get places real good. If you’d like to test one for yourself send me a note and I’ll rig one up for you, I got two or three in the garage. It’s pretty easy providing you have Duct Tape. I’m even thinking of customizing one of my straight razors so’s I can shave the hair on my back. When you spend as much time as I do with your shirt off, it pays to be well groomed.
Another important beauty secret of mine is the liberal use of Head and Shoulders shampoo. The last thing in the world I want is dandruff and it becomes real obvious if you wear dark clothing like my Harley Davidson sweat shirt. Yup, if you got dandruff, it’ll look like someone gave you a little extra parmesan cheese right there on your Harley shirt. That’s where the “Shoulders” part of “Head and Shoulders” comes from. You ain’t sneakin that past ole Merle. I figured it out last year cause I was pondering why and the hell would they call a Shampoo Head and “SHOULDERS.” It just didn’t figure you’d be a shampooing your shoulders unless of course you were especially hairy or something. Then it dawned on me plain as day and I had a good chuckle outa that. So make sure you use Head and Shoulders so your scalp is squeaky clean, especially the bald spot!
The next thing on my list of beauty secrets is Tanactin foot powder. Now if that John Madden feller recommends it, it must be good. There ain’t nothing worse, except maybe pocket lint, than having smelly feet in the presence of a high class woman. Your standard low class women could give a flyin flip, but your high class one’s are highly sensitive to the smell of rotting feet. I mean there’s nothing worse than getting your gal a tad tipsy, putting some Tom T Hall on the stereo and you go and take your boots off and she turns white as a ghost and passes out from the fumes. That ain’t exactly traveling the romantic route if you get my drift. So I make sure and spray my feet liberally and hell, it smells so damn good I even put a smidgen in my pockets for good measure. Notice how smell seems to be a theme here?
Finally, the last thing I do is put on some strong deodorant and my personal choice is “High Endurance Old Spice.” Nothing smells better than your pits after you put on Old Spice. Why, I even catch myself smelling my own pits after I cake on my deodorant, so I can just imagine how it must affect the feminine side. I mean how can they resist? There they are with a real hunk of a man and his arm pits smell downright pretty. It must just drive em crazy! I even recall Jolene Fitzpatrick saying, “Merle you ole devil, what the hell you got on you that makes your pits smell so damn good?” Yup, she said that all right, so after you de-tub, that’s the last thing you need to do. Oh, and make sure you hold your arms out for a while so’s they dry properly. Another no, no is having white arm pits. It makes you look like a dumb ass and you don’t want that now do ya?
Now I flat guarantee you that woman, real nice one’s at that, will be trying to tear your clothes off if you follow my simple secrets to good personal hygiene and smellin just right. That’s it for today; I gotta go and take Charlene Bowers to the Home Depot in Cedar Rapids and then were going to Shakey's Pizza. Poor gal ain't got a chance! There’s no rest for the wicked if you know what I mean. Beam me up Scotty.
First and most important you need to take a bath every couple of weeks or so. I'm not kidding! Now I admit to being a bit of a clean freak, so I take a bath every Friday whether I need it or not. Sure, I get a lot of grief at the Friday night poker game from the boys, you know, they say things like “Merle you smell like a Posy and such stuff.” My attitude is, “to hell with them!” Let them make their smart aleck cracks because they’re just jealous because I’m the one that’s out there with all the high class ladies and that's because I don’t smell like hog shit and cow manure. So, despite the ignorance and trite comments of a few lesser souls, I bath at least once a week. Now I have done a lot of soap testing and after exhaustive study, not to mention wrinkled skin, I’ve finally settled on Mr. Bubble as my official bath soap. I’m so convinced that Mr. Bubble is the way to go in the personal hygiene field that I’ve written the Mr. Bubble people and told them I’d be glad to be their spokes person and more than willing to do their commercials and things. I haven’t heard back yet, but let’s just say it’s in the works. I mean let’s face it, lots a bubbles means lots of cleaning power and that’s what I’m looking for. Why, when I emerge after I submerge I down right sparkle!!!! Hey! There’s a slogan right there!
The next thing I’d highly recommend is my “Merle’s Customized Back Brush.” Now what I did was I took my spare toilet bowl brush, hosed her off a bit and then added an extension so that I could really give my back a good scrubbin. This highly technological bath tool with its firm bristles guarantees you'll get all that scaly stuff off your back and with its improved length, allows you to get all those hard to get places real good. If you’d like to test one for yourself send me a note and I’ll rig one up for you, I got two or three in the garage. It’s pretty easy providing you have Duct Tape. I’m even thinking of customizing one of my straight razors so’s I can shave the hair on my back. When you spend as much time as I do with your shirt off, it pays to be well groomed.
Another important beauty secret of mine is the liberal use of Head and Shoulders shampoo. The last thing in the world I want is dandruff and it becomes real obvious if you wear dark clothing like my Harley Davidson sweat shirt. Yup, if you got dandruff, it’ll look like someone gave you a little extra parmesan cheese right there on your Harley shirt. That’s where the “Shoulders” part of “Head and Shoulders” comes from. You ain’t sneakin that past ole Merle. I figured it out last year cause I was pondering why and the hell would they call a Shampoo Head and “SHOULDERS.” It just didn’t figure you’d be a shampooing your shoulders unless of course you were especially hairy or something. Then it dawned on me plain as day and I had a good chuckle outa that. So make sure you use Head and Shoulders so your scalp is squeaky clean, especially the bald spot!
The next thing on my list of beauty secrets is Tanactin foot powder. Now if that John Madden feller recommends it, it must be good. There ain’t nothing worse, except maybe pocket lint, than having smelly feet in the presence of a high class woman. Your standard low class women could give a flyin flip, but your high class one’s are highly sensitive to the smell of rotting feet. I mean there’s nothing worse than getting your gal a tad tipsy, putting some Tom T Hall on the stereo and you go and take your boots off and she turns white as a ghost and passes out from the fumes. That ain’t exactly traveling the romantic route if you get my drift. So I make sure and spray my feet liberally and hell, it smells so damn good I even put a smidgen in my pockets for good measure. Notice how smell seems to be a theme here?
Finally, the last thing I do is put on some strong deodorant and my personal choice is “High Endurance Old Spice.” Nothing smells better than your pits after you put on Old Spice. Why, I even catch myself smelling my own pits after I cake on my deodorant, so I can just imagine how it must affect the feminine side. I mean how can they resist? There they are with a real hunk of a man and his arm pits smell downright pretty. It must just drive em crazy! I even recall Jolene Fitzpatrick saying, “Merle you ole devil, what the hell you got on you that makes your pits smell so damn good?” Yup, she said that all right, so after you de-tub, that’s the last thing you need to do. Oh, and make sure you hold your arms out for a while so’s they dry properly. Another no, no is having white arm pits. It makes you look like a dumb ass and you don’t want that now do ya?
Now I flat guarantee you that woman, real nice one’s at that, will be trying to tear your clothes off if you follow my simple secrets to good personal hygiene and smellin just right. That’s it for today; I gotta go and take Charlene Bowers to the Home Depot in Cedar Rapids and then were going to Shakey's Pizza. Poor gal ain't got a chance! There’s no rest for the wicked if you know what I mean. Beam me up Scotty.
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