Now as everybody knows by now I’m pretty well read and I ponder on things a lot. There’s been a lot written lately about Global Warming in the National Enquirer and The Star down at Fred’s Grocery Delight. According to them it’s pretty much a factoid that old Merle’s place here in Iowa will someday soon become beach front property. Now I don’t know why in the hell people got their shorts all up in a bunch over this because if you live here in Iowa the prospect of listening to the waves lapping at your doorway sure beats the hell out of mosquito’s buzzing in your ear and Tornadoes thundering down on you. Now I suppose if you live in New Jersey, this might come as a bit of bad news, but you folks just need to relax because there’s plenty of room out here in the Hawkeye State and we’re pretty darn friendly as long as you don’t talk funny and do stupid things and such.
Now I’ll say it right up front, I think that Al Gore feller should have been the President of the US of A and it’s a shame that stupid, smirking SOB from Texas stole the election from him. For the world however it was probably a blessing in disguise. I mean stop and think for a second will ya. While ole Al was a Senator and doing all that Senator’s work for them whiskey sippers down there in Tennessee, he was inventing the Internet for Christ sakes! Now I don’t know about you, but the Internet has made my life immeasurably easier and I’m grateful to him for getting that accomplished, what with the schedule he keeps and everything. Why it used to be I’d have to drive twenty miles to Big John’s Tobacco and Adult Haven near Cedar Rapids to get my monthly girlie magazine. Not anymore!!!! All a feller has to do now is Google BOOBS and presto, chango there you are, nature’s finest! Saves on all that gas so’s I can download some great movies while I stay at home and reduce my carbonation signature. Now just imagine me sitting here watching some great movie action and there’s some surf a crashing right next to the house and barn? It’ll be Merle’s little piece of Paradise if you know what I mean.
But I’m not finished. That Al Gore is so brilliant he decided, even while he was running against that crook Bush, that he’d take one of them mail order correspondence courses and become a Nobel Prize winning Climatologist! Now, face it, we’re obviously talking about one of America’s most brilliant men! He’s right up there with ole T. Edison, B. Franklin, G Roddenberry and H. Hefner. I mean it ain’t easy deciphering them weather maps and being able to look at the TV camera at the same time and yet ole Al did just that! Why, I even heard he adopted a couple of Polar Bear cubs to save them from drowning. Rumor has it he’s currently working on a full size Starship Enterprise and has enlisted that Captain Piccard fella to help him so’s they can evacuate all them Hollywood Starlets from the planet if it gets too hot or a meteor heads this way. Wow, can you imagine being on a another planet with Halle Berry? Now that’s what I call putting it out there for your country. But hell, I’m just getting warmed up, ha, ha, ha! Getting warmed up, get it?
Ole Al’s was on to something else that was causing us Iowan’s all kinds of misery. Why just the other day I was talking to Melvin Kleitch down at the Midwest Feed Center here in town about how stinkin muggy it had been the last few summers. Why you couldn’t even step outside without pittin out your clean white undershirt and wrinklin your overalls. NOW WE KNOW WHY! It’s them damn cows and all their fartin that’s just about killed us Iowan’s off. No wonder everybody moves to Colorado and Phoenix. I mean let’s get rid of them methane butt blowers, chop em up into Rib Eye’s and T-Bones and cool this damn place off a tad and we can eat well in the process! I don’t milk cows for a living anyhow and if you own fifty or sixty head of cows, why getting rid of them will probably save your damn life! Christ, I can’t imagine what the hell it must be like over there in Wisconsin. No wonder them people drink so much beer and Brandy. “COW FARTS,” that’s why! Heck, cow farts have even created a new industry here in the Hawkeye State and that’s all them wind mills they’re putting up out there in Western Iowa. Hundreds of them! They’re actually another idea Al Gore had while he was looking into the cow fart problem out here in Iowa. The reason Al likes them wind mills is because they use the wind to generate your electricity and if the wind blows hard enough the damn things actually spin so fast they blow the cow farts into Illinois and Ohio, states that Al thought coulda done better supporting him during the presidential election he lost. Out here we call the wind mills “Al’s Revenge.”
Well, I need to get going here. I’m heading to a sporting goods store in Cedar Rapids to take a good look at some nice used bass fishing boats. The way I figure it ole Al ain’t been wrong yet and the more water and the less farts we have here in Iowa means some great bass fishing and hell, maybe even Marlin come to think of it. According to Al I’ll probably be sitting out back by the barn in my Bermuda shorts listening to the soothing sounds of the ocean while breathing clean air and eating a nice big burger. Well, first things first though. I need to go get my acetylene torch and thaw them damn pipes out under the sink and then Cecil’s coming over to jump the truck so we can get the chains on her. Roads are a bitch today and it's 17 below. See ya!
Now I’ll say it right up front, I think that Al Gore feller should have been the President of the US of A and it’s a shame that stupid, smirking SOB from Texas stole the election from him. For the world however it was probably a blessing in disguise. I mean stop and think for a second will ya. While ole Al was a Senator and doing all that Senator’s work for them whiskey sippers down there in Tennessee, he was inventing the Internet for Christ sakes! Now I don’t know about you, but the Internet has made my life immeasurably easier and I’m grateful to him for getting that accomplished, what with the schedule he keeps and everything. Why it used to be I’d have to drive twenty miles to Big John’s Tobacco and Adult Haven near Cedar Rapids to get my monthly girlie magazine. Not anymore!!!! All a feller has to do now is Google BOOBS and presto, chango there you are, nature’s finest! Saves on all that gas so’s I can download some great movies while I stay at home and reduce my carbonation signature. Now just imagine me sitting here watching some great movie action and there’s some surf a crashing right next to the house and barn? It’ll be Merle’s little piece of Paradise if you know what I mean.
But I’m not finished. That Al Gore is so brilliant he decided, even while he was running against that crook Bush, that he’d take one of them mail order correspondence courses and become a Nobel Prize winning Climatologist! Now, face it, we’re obviously talking about one of America’s most brilliant men! He’s right up there with ole T. Edison, B. Franklin, G Roddenberry and H. Hefner. I mean it ain’t easy deciphering them weather maps and being able to look at the TV camera at the same time and yet ole Al did just that! Why, I even heard he adopted a couple of Polar Bear cubs to save them from drowning. Rumor has it he’s currently working on a full size Starship Enterprise and has enlisted that Captain Piccard fella to help him so’s they can evacuate all them Hollywood Starlets from the planet if it gets too hot or a meteor heads this way. Wow, can you imagine being on a another planet with Halle Berry? Now that’s what I call putting it out there for your country. But hell, I’m just getting warmed up, ha, ha, ha! Getting warmed up, get it?
Ole Al’s was on to something else that was causing us Iowan’s all kinds of misery. Why just the other day I was talking to Melvin Kleitch down at the Midwest Feed Center here in town about how stinkin muggy it had been the last few summers. Why you couldn’t even step outside without pittin out your clean white undershirt and wrinklin your overalls. NOW WE KNOW WHY! It’s them damn cows and all their fartin that’s just about killed us Iowan’s off. No wonder everybody moves to Colorado and Phoenix. I mean let’s get rid of them methane butt blowers, chop em up into Rib Eye’s and T-Bones and cool this damn place off a tad and we can eat well in the process! I don’t milk cows for a living anyhow and if you own fifty or sixty head of cows, why getting rid of them will probably save your damn life! Christ, I can’t imagine what the hell it must be like over there in Wisconsin. No wonder them people drink so much beer and Brandy. “COW FARTS,” that’s why! Heck, cow farts have even created a new industry here in the Hawkeye State and that’s all them wind mills they’re putting up out there in Western Iowa. Hundreds of them! They’re actually another idea Al Gore had while he was looking into the cow fart problem out here in Iowa. The reason Al likes them wind mills is because they use the wind to generate your electricity and if the wind blows hard enough the damn things actually spin so fast they blow the cow farts into Illinois and Ohio, states that Al thought coulda done better supporting him during the presidential election he lost. Out here we call the wind mills “Al’s Revenge.”
Well, I need to get going here. I’m heading to a sporting goods store in Cedar Rapids to take a good look at some nice used bass fishing boats. The way I figure it ole Al ain’t been wrong yet and the more water and the less farts we have here in Iowa means some great bass fishing and hell, maybe even Marlin come to think of it. According to Al I’ll probably be sitting out back by the barn in my Bermuda shorts listening to the soothing sounds of the ocean while breathing clean air and eating a nice big burger. Well, first things first though. I need to go get my acetylene torch and thaw them damn pipes out under the sink and then Cecil’s coming over to jump the truck so we can get the chains on her. Roads are a bitch today and it's 17 below. See ya!
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