We'll Be Right Back

“We’ll be right back!” Jeez Louise I’m gettin sick and damn tired of those words. I got all worked up the other day cause my favorite football team, "Da Bears" was playing the pukes from Cincinnati. I settled myself onto the couch in my officialy logo’d Bear Snuggy, with a snoot of Jimmy Beam close by ready to watch “FOOTBALL!” Now listen closely brothers and sisters. “I turned the Boob tube on to watch Football.” I didn’t turn the damn thing on to watch commercials and promos about some dufus comedy that the supposed experts said was the funniest show ever. Yeah right and then it gets cancelled two weeks later on account watching paint dry was a lot funnier.

Anyways I took a sip of my Beam, settled back all comfy in my snuggy and then spent the next thirty minutes listening to several boobs goin on like they actually knew a thing or two about the game of football. Of course after each asinine comment the “Lead Boob” would promo a television show about Cross Dressing Christian Couples and then say, “We’ll be right back.” Unfortunately for me, he and his trio of “Boobettes” fulfilled their promise and they indeed came right back. Well, finally after six minutes of commercials, one where sexy girls floated up a guys nostril while he shaved and then another one where a guy my age talked about how you could give Mr. Winkie a drug and you’d get laid that very night and then finally a guy my age was a talkin about peeing too much THEY ACTUALLY KICKED THE DAMN FOOTBALL OFF AND SOMEBODY GOT TACKLED and then, then, then they broke for another commercial where I learned about feminine Hygiene and Beer that would attract beautiful half naked women and then finally, it was back to the game.

Well on the very first play the quarterback threw and incompletion and the “Color Guy" who was actually white said the ball was poorly thrown. Well damn, how’d he figure that one out seeings how it sailed five feet over the receivers head? On the very next play the tail back fumbled and, you guessed it, they said, “We’ll be right back.” Then I was treated to some guys messing with Sasquatch, a drug that’d probably kill ya if ya ever took it and a Taco Bell commercial that was promoting a hell of a lot more than taco’s. Why even ole Merle turned a tad pink in the face. I mean, women dressed in black promotin tacos? What's this world coming to? Then it was back to the football game, at least I think there was a game going on. So, after being treated to six replays of the dumb ass fumbling the football, the other team marches up to the line of scrimmage. Of course the quarterback didn’t like the play he had called so he immediately calls a time out and you guessed it, the magic words “We’ll be right back” were uttered and I was then treated to a laxative, a lizard selling insurance and Neanderthals bowling before it was back to the game where the idiot white colored guy told me the quarterback had been confused with the defense, that’s why he called a time out. DUH, Really?

I finally gave up, turned the damn game off and put my “Girls gone Wild” 3D video on and spent the rest of my Sunday afternoon marveling at the wonders of the fairer sex while I provided my own, highly insightful, commercial free commentary and not once did I say “We’ll be right back.” After all, I had the remote and all I had to do was just hit the damn pause button when we had to go to the John and I was the only one there, so there was no sense in tellin myself what I already knew. I knew I'd be right back. No sense beatin a dead horse! Beam me up Scotty!

You're Kiddin Me, Right?

There it was, right smack dab on the TV screen! Why, I couldn't believe my baby blue's. It was a Jim Beam commercial and it actually said the following: "Best enjoyed responsibly." Huh? I certainly enjoy it and I have multiple reasons for enjoying my Beam, but what strikes me funny is the word "Responsible" never EVER crosses my mind when I'm pounding down some Jimmy Beam. Quite frankly Myrtle, after a couple of snoots of Jimmy, I couldn't spell the word responsible with an open dictionary and a tutor standin next to me. Hell, I'm too busy singing, "Hunka, Hunka, Burnin Love," while toolin around the neighborhood on my John Deere ridin mower a little after midnight! Why Wally Sims threw a hammer at me the other evening. Party pooper! What's this world comin to anyway?

Merle's all around Tool Kit

I just got back from fixing Maggie Swanson’s back door screen and it suddenly occurred to me that there are a lot of folks out there that just don’t have the necessary items needed to fix things around the house. I pondered that for a few minutes and decided I’d share some of my expertise and knowledge. There’s really only a few items that are a must for your tool box and here they are.

The first thing you need is a hammer and nails. The hammer can be used in all sorts of ways. You know if I got something that’s stuck you just give it a few whacks with the hammer and presto, chango, it’s fixed. If you got a pet that keeps on a getting out of the garage at night for example you take the hammer and a couple of nails and you nail the damn garage door shut. Let’s say there’s a window in the house and the damn kids keep opening it up and shinnying down the side of the house. Now if you don’t want that just nail er shut, plain and simple. Got a cupboard where you keep important papers and such? Nail her shut! Who needs a safe when you can do that?

The next critical item you need is plenty of duct tape. For example if you have a drafty window you simply slap duct tape over the drafty area and the problem's solved. Need a coat hanger by the back door? Just duct tape the hook to the wall and you’re in business. Broken handle on the shovel? Not a problem! You got your duct tape. Now I want to share a little something with you that you probably never knew about. I happen to be a man that not only ponders things, but I'm well read. There's all kinds of reading material available right there at the grocery store check-out counter that a lot of ignorant folks don't give a second thought to. Well I just read today in the National Enquirer that the ole US of A Air Force actually used duct tape on them Stealth Planes. That’s right, you heard it here first. When they talk about a “Highly classified coating of material, the radar evading skin as they call it,” they’re actually talking about duct tape. The plane is basically covered in black duct tape and they don’t want the Chi-Coms to know about it. Them fellers is brilliant, that’s what they are. Of course ole Merle’s been using duct tape for nearly forty years and for a small price I’d have told them fellows all about it years ago, but things have a way of working themselves out. Oh! And here's one more bit of good information. According to the Enquirer four Arkansas duck hunters captured Hitler last week. I always figured that rascal got away!

Another critical item is WD-40. I don’t care what kind of a friction problem you got, ole WD-40 will fix it. Let’s say you got a squeaky door on your 91 Ford pick-up. Half a can of WD-40 later and that same door’ll be working perfectly. It’ll be as if you’d just bought that F-150 last week. Got a touchy toilet handle? Give her a good spray of WD-40 and watch a small miracle happen. Just make sure you wipe up the floor afterwards so you don’t skid up against the wall and end up under the sink when nature frantically gives you a call. "Been there done that," as they say. It’s even useful if you’re the “Practical Jokester” feller in your community. Spray a little WD on a public toilet seat and sit back and watch the fun. Just make sure you have one of them video cameras with ya. Hell I even coated the soles of my cousin Lonnie's work boots last week and almost pee’d my pants watching him slide down his driveway and into the side of his Dodge Ram pick-up. Damn that was funny and I got a couple of good pictures too! His wife Kate says he’ll be just fine once the stitches come out next week.

Another critical item is work gloves. I always wear my work gloves and they’re absolutely necessary when you smack your thumb with the hammer or cut off a small piece of your pinky finger. You see the gloves absorb all the blood and there’s no clean up necessary after a work related accident. I learned this the hard way a few years back when I bled all over my brother’s white shag carpet. I mean he’s a dumb ass for having a white shag carpet when green would have been a better match for the blue furniture, but you can’t teach good taste. I’d had a couple of snoots and was probably a tad over relaxed when I tried fixing that balky electric can opener of his. The spotted carpet will teach him not to buy crap like that in the first place! Anyway, I highly recommend work gloves as a first line of defense when you lob a chunk of finger off.

Here’s another critical thing for sure and that’s a flashlight. I can’t count the number of times I was doing electrical work and all of a sudden the lights went out. If you’re in the basement it can get damn dark, damn fast when the fuse blows or you cross a wire. Hell, a couple of years ago that happened and I just about decapitated myself. I was fixing a balky plug over at Fletcher Hanson’s place. Ole Fletch had a bad habit of hanging his rip saw from the rafter in the basement. So there I was in the damn dark staggering around until I got hung up on the damn rip saw. You ever been face to face with a damn rip saw in the dark? Felt like a damn trout on a fish hook I did. Luckily I had my gloves on and I simply wrapped my hands around my neck to stem the bleeding. The only problem with that was I almost passed out from a lack of oxygen, but we wouldn’t even be discussing this now would we if I’d had my flashlight there with me. So don’t go anywhere without it, especially if you’re doing electrical work. It’s also handy when you drop the one damn screw you actually need and it falls, bounces in slow motion three times and then plops right down a four inch drain sixteen feet away from where you’re a standing. I always call that “Plumbers Luck.” Thank God for the flashlight.

Finally make sure your tool box has Lava soap and band aids available. After finishing a tough repair job and finally getting your work gloves peeled off, you can wash off the blood , slap a couple of band aids on the gash and you’re just like new. Lava is great because all that gritty stuff really scrapes them little germs and bacteria things off your wound so’s she’ll heal up just like new, except of course for the big scar. And there’s nothing wrong with a good scar because you can tell the story of what a dumb ass you were over a good game of poker and you got the scar right there to prove it to everybody.

Oh damn! I almost forgot the most important thing. I always carry a bottle of Jim Beam with me on repair projects. Sometimes on a job when you’re a trying to figure out what the issue is the brain can get a bit cluttered up with too much information. Jim Beam works just like Drano and it mentally unplugs you. The other thing I like about it is this. It helps me put things in perspective after fixing something. I’ve seen fellers get all gummed up with, “Well maybe I shoulda done it this way or maybe I shoulda done it that way" or some such thing. Not me! After a couple snoots of Beam I’m pretty much satisfied with the results no matter what happened. By then I know that whatever happened, happened because it was the way of the Lord and if the Lord wanted it that way, then who the hell am I to complain. If the Lord's happy, then I’m happy. I usually conclude my work with a smile and my little Jim Beam gratitude prayer. It goes like this: “Beam me up Scotty.” Ha, gotcha!

If you thought this was helpful wait until you read my next two articles on Good Grooming and the scourge of "Pocket Lint!"