The Little Fellers

I’m feelin a tad blue today on account the Little League World Series just ended. I just love watching them little fellers cause they kids play the game I loved as a boy for all the right reasons . I don’t care where they come from, Japan, Taiwan, Mexico or God forbid, Long Island, they play my game with a passion and love that brings a lump to ole Merle’s throat. Them dumb ass Big Leaguers could learn a thing or two about the true meaning of the game and they ought to be required to watch a minimum of at least two games to smarten em up a bit. Why, it just might do em some good around contract time, although that’s probably wishful thinking on my part.

Now what really caught my eye is how them kids from the other countries act the same as kids from the ole U.S. of A. They cheer, they cry, they spit and they pick their noses just like our kids. Got me to thinking the other day that maybe we could promote something like “World Peace” by requiring all the nincompoop adults in the world to watch every last game right to the very end. What they’d see is “kids being kids” and “parents being parents” and if ya didn’t look close you wouldn’t have a clue where in the world they were from. A few of them dumb ass politicians might learn a thing or two also about good sportsmanship and God forbid, classy behavior.

I mean did ya see them kids from Taiwan after they lost the championship game to the kids from California? They wiped the snot off their noses, dried their eyes and went over in front of the nincompoop parents from California and took their hats off and bowed like young gentlemen. Pure class it was and it got me a tad choked up. California winning the whole thing just made me gag cause I was a pullin for the kids from Texas and that little rascal Wyatt Willis. What a cool name! The little bugger could hit the ball too.

Now I never did have kids on account I was always trippin the light fandango and I wasn’t good at the honey do stuff, so the Little League World Series is my “Family Time.” In the summer time there’s nothing in a boys heart that beats baseball and as a matter of fact that’s just what “BEATS” in a boy's heart, “BASEBALL!” Girls don’t ever get it, never did, never will, but at age twelve they take a big time back seat to my beloved game. There’s not a girl on Earth that feels better than having a 34 ounce Hank Aaron Louisville Slugger in your hands and there ain’t a single twelve year old, pig tailed cutie pie in the world that smells better than a well oiled Rawlins Baseball Glove and there will NEVER be anything prettier than a slow curve ball on the outside corner of the plate.

Seems like just yesterday ole Merle was a scratching at the dirt like a red headed rooster and feelin the stitches on the baseball while decidin whether to throw Dicky Peterson a curve or just plain drill him in the noggin on account I didn’t like him much. I could hear ole Cooder Fitzpatrick over behind the bench a hollerin, “Go ahead Merle, throw the little fart the bender, throw him the bender!” Boy, I sure do miss those days. It’s kind of a bitch getting old and everything. That’s why I enjoy my Little League World Series so much. Good kids, good baseball, and it takes me back for a while to a time when I could "get the ball up there in a hurry" as they’d say back then. Oh, and by the way, I threw Dicky Peterson a curve and he’s probably still got back pain to this day after whiffing on that one. Damn I’m blue, where’s my hanky?

Roid Rage

You better believe I got roid rage and we ain’t talking about huntin down the Preparation H and going where no man's gone before! I’ve had it with these chemically enhanced, half baseball player, half Godzilla’s sauntering up to home plate and hitting the God Damn ball 500 feet or more into outer space and then tippy toeing around the bases like their shit don’t stink. They’re "cheatin" plain and simple and their butts ought to be tossed out of my beloved game for good. Of course you got one small problem there. You got that goofy lookin dork Bud Selig callin the shots and he scares the bajeebers out of me. Have you ever really looked at him up close? Hell he must put a bowl on his head just prior to gettin a haircut and I swear he’s got “stupid is” stamped all over his face. Why, he probably needs help just locatin the john if you get my drift. “Why hello Bud! You got to go potty? Right this way “Mr. Commissioner” the bathroom’s right over here and I’ll even get the door for ya. No! No, ya dumb nincompoop you don’t pee on the floor, over here! You need to pee over here in the urinal for God’s sake!” Nah, he don’t strike me as someone that’s going to restore the integrity of the game, especially if you can’t pee with integrity or get a decent haircut. Hell he don’t even know when to stand up so’s I imagine the sittin part confuses him too.

Now what frosts my hind end is these guys think that cause they take all them drugs and hit all them homers they’re somehow better than guys like Mickey Mantle or Hammerin Hank Aaron. Bull Puckey! Hell my boyhood hero Harmon Kilebrew would have probably hit 700 homers or more if he’d been all roided up like these present day knuckleheads. And you just think about this. Mickey Mantle is still credited with a couple of home runs that traveled well over 600 feet from home plate and knowin him, he probably hit them while suffering from a severe hang-over and about two hours sleep. Ole Mick wasn’t exactly the picture of a highly conditioned athlete; unless you consider hanging out into the wee hours with Whitey and Billy and chasin skirts all night your idea of good training and conditioning. Nope, it just frosts me these needle nuts are movin ahead of my favorite baseball players in the record books.

Here’s something else that pisses me off. Those roids not only give them an unfair advantage because their packin those chemically enhanced biceps but it also turns them into really God awful liars. I mean you got that dumb ass Clemens saying he “misremembered” things and such. Now that’s just plain ignorant! Hell, even I know that’s not a word. I guess he just "misthunk." When a guy like Roger Clemens starts parsing words around a studied thespian such as yours truly, he’s in deep intellectual doo doo. That’s cow shit for you the unincarcerated! Then you got that Alex Rodriguiz feller saying he took roids but he didn’t know what they were. What? You’re kiddin me right? You got some candy ass trainer gettin ready to shove a needle in your ass and you don’t know what’s in it? Are you an escaped lobotomy patient or what? Hell that yellow stuff might be kerosene for all you know. I’d sure as hell want to know, at least up until I fainted. Needles give me the friggin willies. Too bad it wasn’t truth serum. Of course ole Alex is runnin around with a fifty year old chick, so maybe he ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer after all. Ole Merle’s in his fifties, but the only fifty year old females I’d be runnin around with would be the one’s I’d be runnin "away" from. Nothing good would come from being in a relationship with a fifty year old gal, absolutely nothing unless you consider slavery and getting the hell scared out of ya every morning when you woke up fun! Nosiree Bob, when it comes to the romantic art of runnin around with a woman, make mine in her late twenties, with a little jiggle in her forward motion and one of them butterfly tatoo’s right there a couple inches North of the Promised Land if you understand my meaning. And what a Moron’s moron that Rafael Palmeiro guy is. I mean, hello, earth to nincompoop, you’re testifying in front of Congress or did you not read the program! It doesn’t matter if the whole damn bunch of them are as dumb as a box of rocks, they’re still the Congress you genius! I mean, he had to be on some serious crack to wag that finger at them morons and then go pee a positive sample in a jar. Hell, retards don’t even do stuff that stupid and I’m even includin them idiot politicians in the equation just to make my point even stronger! I mean if you can’t fool a bunch of self absorbed nitwits that ask questions about the “Chicago Blackhawks Scandal” you’re a droolin idiot! Serves his ass right he got nailed. And don’t even get me started about that puffed up Paul Bunyan Mark Magwire. Mr. “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Well excuse us for raining on your parade twinkle toes! So just what was it you stopped by to tell us? We’re you going to read us your Horoscope and talk about the cattle futures? Obviously the crap he was taking didn’t give him much backbone and it severely subtracted the ole IQ!

Jesus HGH I feel wronged by these steroid sucking cheaters. A lot of my favorite baseball players back in the sixties and seventies, guys that played in those big ball parks and hit against the likes of a Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson or Tom Seaver will be way down the list now because of these over inflated, over paid cartoon characters. I hope their damn Johnson’s fall off! God knows the whole damn bunch can’t lie for shit so they sure as hell wouldn’t have any success with a woman knowhow! Why, they’d be caught dead to rights lying in about ten seconds or as quick as they could say, “Madonna? Why does she work for the Catholic Church?” You just wait, these guys’ll start droppin like flies in another ten years and it’ll be the Good Lord’s doin. I’m privy to some confidential information that the Lord was a Cubby’s fan and Ernie Banks was his favorite player. Seems the Lord pitched a tad in Purgatory before becoming “THEE Lord” and they say he could really throw some "wicked heat." He ain’t takin kindly to this nonsense at all and I just thought you should know that. He’ll be retiring some numbers if you catch the direction of my thought processes. OK, you can Beam me up Scotty!