Making Cents

Because of my advanced education and penchant for reading anything I can get my hands, yup, even an article or two in Playboy, although you know what I’d like to really get my hands on there, I’ve pretty much deciphered this constant argument going on between Socialists and Capitalists. Damn that was a long sentence! Anyhow, after exhaustive study and not a few too many “Jim Beams” it all became perfectly clear to me one evening. It absolutely started “making cents” to me.

I had fallen asleep on the couch again with the “Boob Tube” on and suddenly something startled me. I opened my eyes and there on my TV at 11:30 PM was this guy named Vince. He had this God awful haircut, talked like an ignoramus and was selling something called “Sham Wow!” This twit would pour water on a piece of carpet and then put his “Sham Wow” on it and “presto-chango” the rug would be dry as a bone and the water’d be in the “Sham Wow!” Then the dumb bugger said that if you’d hurry up and order right now he’d throw in one for free, just because he could! Now that’d be two of them there “Sham Wows” for only $19.99. Then to make his point they featured three of the stupidest lookin people in the world and they were a readin some teleprompter like that nitwit Obama and saying things like, “I just couldn’t live without my “Sham Wow.” Then the next goofy lookin woman would say, “Sham Wow,” WOW, has it changed my life!” Christ! I’d be puttin the house up for sale the next day if I dressed up like Minnie Pearl and said something that stupid on TV! I can just hear my neighbor Myron saying:”Hey Merle, I saw you on TV last night and you just might be the dumbest lookin moron I ever saw! How the hell do ya feed yerself?” That Myron’s a smartass and I’d have to move for sure.

Well, that’s what I’m getting at here with this dissertation on economics and such. The Socialists can’t stand the idea that a nincompoop like that Vince feller can get filthy rich selling a stupid towel that soaks up water called “Sham Wow.” Hell, them Socialists would consider shootin somebody that stupid in front of a firing squad to insure his genes didn’t get passed on, let alone see the dolt driving around in an H2 Hummer. That drives em even crazier! A "Rich Dolt” driving around in a "Hummer" polluting everything in the Universe and meltin Polar Caps from here to Mars.

Now, your standard, run of the mill Capitalist looks at this situation entirely differently. You see your Capitalist says: “If someone’s stupid enough to buy a rubber towel from some moron on TV then get your ass to the bank and cash the check!” A Capitalist figures, “Hey if there’s a market full of morons, go for it.” Now obviously, if TV shows like “Dance with the stars,” “American Idol,” and “Dog, Bounty Hunter” are doing well, not to mention “WWF Wrestling,” then there’s obviously a market for “Sham Wow” and the market must be served. Their attitude is simply, “We’re supplying a service to the Nitwits that obviously need a rubber towel.” Hell, who can blame them. You gotta admit there’s more Nitwits than people with brains out there and the Capitalists are just providing a service in their minds.

Well, the Socialists can’t stand that philosophy. They’re the type of folks that like to take care of people and basically put them on farms, fence them in and make sure they listen to subliminal messages that are“Politically Correct,” like, “It’s wrong to kill Polar Bears” and “Give your money to me.” They enjoy protecting us from ourselves and keeping us away from people like Vince and his “Sham Wow.”Now I don’t disagree that drownin a cute little baby Polar Bear on account of drivin around in a H2 Hummer which melts glaciers, which makes big puddles into bigger oceans isn’t a very nice thing to do. However you do gotta wonder about a bear that won’t just get out of the water, stand on dry land, and just keep moving up hill but I digress. That’s why I drive my Ford Tractor around town. It probably pollutes the same but it’s got a big scoop on the front of it and I can pick up the dog poop and the cow poop I see around town and then I dump it in my neighbor Myron’s back yard so’s he can use it for fertilizer to grow his tomatos. I’ve always been pretty much a “Green Person” myself, especially after eating Mexican Food with Guacamole and drinking too much.

Now with the Capitalists pissing off the Socialists everybody gets just a tad silly. I read the other day they’re going to start taxing farmers from around these parts a Flajulance tax, er flachulunce tax, aw hell a “Fart Tax.” Well, if they go and do that there’ll be more than the cows farting around here if you get my drift. Can you imagine that? Taxing a farmer for a cow fart? I mean how the hell do they know which cow farted and exactly when. Why, would one of them "Washington Bureaucrats" stand right in the middle of the herd with his clip board, and just walk around sniffing? If he smelled something God awful, how would he know which cow was to blame? Hell maybe he did the deed himself and he’s just covering up his own environmental crimes and blamin some poor dumb cow. I see major problems in a “Fart Tax.” It gets me to thinkin, what the hell they going to do with the stink that’s comin out of Washington DC? Ya suppose they’d maybe tax themselves? Think of it, the budget would be balanced in six weeks if they had their own little "Fart Tax," what with all the farts that come out of DC, cause they are all a bunch of elected “Bullshitters,” if you ask me. When you get right down to it I guess there ain’t really that much difference between the Socialists and the Capitalists. They’re all full of it! Damn, I just talked myself out of my own implausible theory!

Well anyway, I personally think it’s OK for morons to make money sellin stuff on the boob tube. I got this blanket called a “Snuggy” the other day and I ain’t talkin about havin my shorts pulled up the crack of my ass neither. No this here “Snuggy” is a blanket with sleeves in it and cause I ordered it right then I not only got two Snuggies, one deep purple and the other vomit green for only $19.99, I also got the “But Wait! If you order right now, we’ll include two book lights absolutely freakin free!” The book lights come in handy cause when I wake up in a stupor on the couch I’m damned if I can find my bedroom some nights and I’ve wound up more than once sleepin on the dining room floor. So ya see Capitalism really does provide genuine services. I have something comfy to wear as I fall asleep on the couch and I have these little teensy weensy book lights to help me navigate the ins and outs of my mansion and they were freakin free. I know what you’re thinkin and all I got to say to that is “Morons run this country so I’m in good company!” Now if I could figure out how to get my damn “Snuggy” off in the morning we’d be light years along in my personal evolution. “Beam me up Scotty!”