You better believe I got roid rage and we ain’t talking about huntin down the Preparation H and going where no man's gone before! I’ve had it with these chemically enhanced, half baseball player, half Godzilla’s sauntering up to home plate and hitting the God Damn ball 500 feet or more into outer space and then tippy toeing around the bases like their shit don’t stink. They’re "cheatin" plain and simple and their butts ought to be tossed out of my beloved game for good. Of course you got one small problem there. You got that goofy lookin dork Bud Selig callin the shots and he scares the bajeebers out of me. Have you ever really looked at him up close? Hell he must put a bowl on his head just prior to gettin a haircut and I swear he’s got “stupid is” stamped all over his face. Why, he probably needs help just locatin the john if you get my drift. “Why hello Bud! You got to go potty? Right this way “Mr. Commissioner” the bathroom’s right over here and I’ll even get the door for ya. No! No, ya dumb nincompoop you don’t pee on the floor, over here! You need to pee over here in the urinal for God’s sake!” Nah, he don’t strike me as someone that’s going to restore the integrity of the game, especially if you can’t pee with integrity or get a decent haircut. Hell he don’t even know when to stand up so’s I imagine the sittin part confuses him too.
Now what frosts my hind end is these guys think that cause they take all them drugs and hit all them homers they’re somehow better than guys like Mickey Mantle or Hammerin Hank Aaron. Bull Puckey! Hell my boyhood hero Harmon Kilebrew would have probably hit 700 homers or more if he’d been all roided up like these present day knuckleheads. And you just think about this. Mickey Mantle is still credited with a couple of home runs that traveled well over 600 feet from home plate and knowin him, he probably hit them while suffering from a severe hang-over and about two hours sleep. Ole Mick wasn’t exactly the picture of a highly conditioned athlete; unless you consider hanging out into the wee hours with Whitey and Billy and chasin skirts all night your idea of good training and conditioning. Nope, it just frosts me these needle nuts are movin ahead of my favorite baseball players in the record books.
Here’s something else that pisses me off. Those roids not only give them an unfair advantage because their packin those chemically enhanced biceps but it also turns them into really God awful liars. I mean you got that dumb ass Clemens saying he “misremembered” things and such. Now that’s just plain ignorant! Hell, even I know that’s not a word. I guess he just "misthunk." When a guy like Roger Clemens starts parsing words around a studied thespian such as yours truly, he’s in deep intellectual doo doo. That’s cow shit for you the unincarcerated! Then you got that Alex Rodriguiz feller saying he took roids but he didn’t know what they were. What? You’re kiddin me right? You got some candy ass trainer gettin ready to shove a needle in your ass and you don’t know what’s in it? Are you an escaped lobotomy patient or what? Hell that yellow stuff might be kerosene for all you know. I’d sure as hell want to know, at least up until I fainted. Needles give me the friggin willies. Too bad it wasn’t truth serum. Of course ole Alex is runnin around with a fifty year old chick, so maybe he ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer after all. Ole Merle’s in his fifties, but the only fifty year old females I’d be runnin around with would be the one’s I’d be runnin "away" from. Nothing good would come from being in a relationship with a fifty year old gal, absolutely nothing unless you consider slavery and getting the hell scared out of ya every morning when you woke up fun! Nosiree Bob, when it comes to the romantic art of runnin around with a woman, make mine in her late twenties, with a little jiggle in her forward motion and one of them butterfly tatoo’s right there a couple inches North of the Promised Land if you understand my meaning. And what a Moron’s moron that Rafael Palmeiro guy is. I mean, hello, earth to nincompoop, you’re testifying in front of Congress or did you not read the program! It doesn’t matter if the whole damn bunch of them are as dumb as a box of rocks, they’re still the Congress you genius! I mean, he had to be on some serious crack to wag that finger at them morons and then go pee a positive sample in a jar. Hell, retards don’t even do stuff that stupid and I’m even includin them idiot politicians in the equation just to make my point even stronger! I mean if you can’t fool a bunch of self absorbed nitwits that ask questions about the “Chicago Blackhawks Scandal” you’re a droolin idiot! Serves his ass right he got nailed. And don’t even get me started about that puffed up Paul Bunyan Mark Magwire. Mr. “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Well excuse us for raining on your parade twinkle toes! So just what was it you stopped by to tell us? We’re you going to read us your Horoscope and talk about the cattle futures? Obviously the crap he was taking didn’t give him much backbone and it severely subtracted the ole IQ!
Jesus HGH I feel wronged by these steroid sucking cheaters. A lot of my favorite baseball players back in the sixties and seventies, guys that played in those big ball parks and hit against the likes of a Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson or Tom Seaver will be way down the list now because of these over inflated, over paid cartoon characters. I hope their damn Johnson’s fall off! God knows the whole damn bunch can’t lie for shit so they sure as hell wouldn’t have any success with a woman knowhow! Why, they’d be caught dead to rights lying in about ten seconds or as quick as they could say, “Madonna? Why does she work for the Catholic Church?” You just wait, these guys’ll start droppin like flies in another ten years and it’ll be the Good Lord’s doin. I’m privy to some confidential information that the Lord was a Cubby’s fan and Ernie Banks was his favorite player. Seems the Lord pitched a tad in Purgatory before becoming “THEE Lord” and they say he could really throw some "wicked heat." He ain’t takin kindly to this nonsense at all and I just thought you should know that. He’ll be retiring some numbers if you catch the direction of my thought processes. OK, you can Beam me up Scotty!
Now what frosts my hind end is these guys think that cause they take all them drugs and hit all them homers they’re somehow better than guys like Mickey Mantle or Hammerin Hank Aaron. Bull Puckey! Hell my boyhood hero Harmon Kilebrew would have probably hit 700 homers or more if he’d been all roided up like these present day knuckleheads. And you just think about this. Mickey Mantle is still credited with a couple of home runs that traveled well over 600 feet from home plate and knowin him, he probably hit them while suffering from a severe hang-over and about two hours sleep. Ole Mick wasn’t exactly the picture of a highly conditioned athlete; unless you consider hanging out into the wee hours with Whitey and Billy and chasin skirts all night your idea of good training and conditioning. Nope, it just frosts me these needle nuts are movin ahead of my favorite baseball players in the record books.
Here’s something else that pisses me off. Those roids not only give them an unfair advantage because their packin those chemically enhanced biceps but it also turns them into really God awful liars. I mean you got that dumb ass Clemens saying he “misremembered” things and such. Now that’s just plain ignorant! Hell, even I know that’s not a word. I guess he just "misthunk." When a guy like Roger Clemens starts parsing words around a studied thespian such as yours truly, he’s in deep intellectual doo doo. That’s cow shit for you the unincarcerated! Then you got that Alex Rodriguiz feller saying he took roids but he didn’t know what they were. What? You’re kiddin me right? You got some candy ass trainer gettin ready to shove a needle in your ass and you don’t know what’s in it? Are you an escaped lobotomy patient or what? Hell that yellow stuff might be kerosene for all you know. I’d sure as hell want to know, at least up until I fainted. Needles give me the friggin willies. Too bad it wasn’t truth serum. Of course ole Alex is runnin around with a fifty year old chick, so maybe he ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer after all. Ole Merle’s in his fifties, but the only fifty year old females I’d be runnin around with would be the one’s I’d be runnin "away" from. Nothing good would come from being in a relationship with a fifty year old gal, absolutely nothing unless you consider slavery and getting the hell scared out of ya every morning when you woke up fun! Nosiree Bob, when it comes to the romantic art of runnin around with a woman, make mine in her late twenties, with a little jiggle in her forward motion and one of them butterfly tatoo’s right there a couple inches North of the Promised Land if you understand my meaning. And what a Moron’s moron that Rafael Palmeiro guy is. I mean, hello, earth to nincompoop, you’re testifying in front of Congress or did you not read the program! It doesn’t matter if the whole damn bunch of them are as dumb as a box of rocks, they’re still the Congress you genius! I mean, he had to be on some serious crack to wag that finger at them morons and then go pee a positive sample in a jar. Hell, retards don’t even do stuff that stupid and I’m even includin them idiot politicians in the equation just to make my point even stronger! I mean if you can’t fool a bunch of self absorbed nitwits that ask questions about the “Chicago Blackhawks Scandal” you’re a droolin idiot! Serves his ass right he got nailed. And don’t even get me started about that puffed up Paul Bunyan Mark Magwire. Mr. “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Well excuse us for raining on your parade twinkle toes! So just what was it you stopped by to tell us? We’re you going to read us your Horoscope and talk about the cattle futures? Obviously the crap he was taking didn’t give him much backbone and it severely subtracted the ole IQ!
Jesus HGH I feel wronged by these steroid sucking cheaters. A lot of my favorite baseball players back in the sixties and seventies, guys that played in those big ball parks and hit against the likes of a Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson or Tom Seaver will be way down the list now because of these over inflated, over paid cartoon characters. I hope their damn Johnson’s fall off! God knows the whole damn bunch can’t lie for shit so they sure as hell wouldn’t have any success with a woman knowhow! Why, they’d be caught dead to rights lying in about ten seconds or as quick as they could say, “Madonna? Why does she work for the Catholic Church?” You just wait, these guys’ll start droppin like flies in another ten years and it’ll be the Good Lord’s doin. I’m privy to some confidential information that the Lord was a Cubby’s fan and Ernie Banks was his favorite player. Seems the Lord pitched a tad in Purgatory before becoming “THEE Lord” and they say he could really throw some "wicked heat." He ain’t takin kindly to this nonsense at all and I just thought you should know that. He’ll be retiring some numbers if you catch the direction of my thought processes. OK, you can Beam me up Scotty!
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