Clifford was the real deal. He was a hardy, robust Iowa Man and he absolutely loved to hunt. It was his goal to someday be featured on one of those ESPN2 Hunting shows where you get to wear a hunting hat endorsing Cabela’s Outdoor stores. Clifford would stand in front of the mirror and look at himself with his face painted in those neat camouflage colors. Why, he looked down right damn fierce, like a plains warrior with a penchant for green or a member of the 101st Airborne. Throw on the Camouflage suit and he could damn near disappear right before your eyes, except in the bathroom of course where he stuck out like a sore thumb and where he struggled to get the fly on the suit open so he could take a pee after drinking his three cups of coffee.
Saturday morning dawned bright and early and Clifford slipped out of the bed where his wife Sonia quietly slept and he headed out to bag his first Deer of the season. A good hunter, Clifford was out of the driveway by 5:00 AM and headed for his Deer stand where, disguised as a tree he would slay a Deer just as the early settlers had done. Of course they didn’t have access to a Deer stand, camouflage paint and suit, high powered 7mm 08 Remington rifle with scope or Essence of Deer Urine. Clifford walked the mile and half to where the Deer stand was set up in a tree approximately twelve feet off the ground. The tree, a stately cotton wood gave him a good view of the meadow just west of his location. After liberally spreading the Deer Urine around, he shinnied up the tree and prepared himself.
Because Clifford was an Iowa Man and experienced in the hunting game he went through his checklist like a professional airline pilot. Everything was snug with the blind. He checked the Remington to make sure he’d chambered a shell and that the gun was loaded. He dialed in and tested his scope. The field of vision was clear and he even checked to make sure the cell phone in his pocket was turned off. It had been a tad embarrassing last year when he had zeroed in on a six point buck about 100 yards away and Sonia had called him to remind him to stop at the grocery store and pick up a frozen pizza. When the damn thing rang it startled him and as he jumped, the gun had gone off and the deer had trotted right past the stand looking over its shoulder as if to say, gee what a dumb ass. He had looked around and fortunately there wasn’t anybody that could claim to be a witness and that was probably good because he might have accidentally shot them when the gun went off. That would have really required a lot of explaining and would have been time consuming. Well, this time that wasn’t going to happen. The phone was off and she could pick up her own damn frozen pizza!
Clifford felt like a deadly predator and for a moment pitied the poor dumb buck he was about to bag. As he got set up, he all of sudden noticed the rope that helped secure the stand had come loose and he reached down to secure it. At that very moment as he was reaching he also noticed something move off to the west and then saw the biggest damn buck he’d ever seen. So there he was reaching for the rifle at the same time he was reaching for the rope and it suddenly occurred to him that you really didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of flexibility in a camouflage suit. Well, what happened next was not the way they drew it up on ESPN2. The rifle slipped as he was reaching for it and dropped on the deck and went off with a crack which drove Clifford backwards over the edge of the Deer Blind. Fortunately his foot got hung up in the rope and it caught him as he tumbled over backwards out of the blind. Unfortunately, though saved by the rope, he was hanging upside down by the leg seven feet off the ground and his blood circulation was being cut off around his foot.
He didn’t dare struggle or he’d fall the remaining seven feet and land on his head and break his neck. What to do? Ah, the cell phone. THE CELL PHONE! Fortunately his hands were free and he could reach his pants pocket. He turned the phone on and quickly speed dialed his brother Gilbert. There he was, hanging upside down listening to Gilbert’s customized ring playing George Thorogood’s song, “Bad to the Bone.” Finally Gilbert answered:
Gilbert: “Cliffy, what do you want brother?”
Clifford: “Gilbert, I need help! I’m hanging upside down from my tree stand out here in Byers Woods seven miles west of town. I’m starting to get light headed and I have to pee like a race horse.”
Gilbert: “You’re what? You can’t be serious.”
Clifford: “I am serious and I need help! Christ if a bear comes along I’ll be like one of those takeout micro-wave meals!”
Gilbert: “Hey brother, I’m clear the hell down here in Cedar Rapids buying some plumbing supplies. There’s no way I can get to you in time. You better call your wife and have her get someone out there.”
Clifford: “Gilbert, I need help! I’m in desperate straits here. My leg is going numb.”
Gilbert: “Sorry brother, but call the wife that’s your best bet.” Click!
Clifford: “Gilbert? Gilbert? Shit he hung up on me! Damn it you dumb ass!”
Clifford quickly got busy dialing his wife Sonia. He was having trouble seeing the screen, but managed to hit the speed dial and heard the phone ring. This time the music was Santana’s “I ain’t got nobody.” No shit he thought! Finally Sonia picked up the phone.
Sonia: “Clifford, I’m so glad you called, we need some milk from the store when you head back into town. “
Clifford: “Sonia, for Christ’s sake I’m your husband, not "Cliff’s Delivery Service." I’m in trouble out here in Byer’s woods and I need you to get help before I pass out.”
Sonia: “I’m only asking you to stop and pick up a gallon of milk, not negotiate a peace treaty with the Chinese for goodness sakes.”
Clifford: “SONIA! What part of you’re about to become a widow don’t you understand? I’m upside down, hanging seven feet off the ground and my camouflage suit is starting to give me a snuggy. Please call 911 and then get a hold of my brother Merle and get him out here.”
Sonia: “Oh Cliffy, don’t die my sweet! I’ll call 911 and then call you right back.” (Slight Pause) “Cliffy?”
Clifford: “What dear?”
Sonia: “What’s the number for 911?”
Clifford: “9-1-1 for Christ sakes! Hurry!”
Clifford hung upside down and noticed he was swaying a bit in the breeze. Great, he thought, a green camouflaged pendulum on a Cotton Wood clock. Just then the phone rang. He made a quick mental note to change his customized ring. John Mayer’s song “Gravity” no longer sounded cool to him.
Clifford weakly: “Cliff here. Sonia?”
Sonia: “Cliffy hang in there. I called 911 and they told me to have you call them so they can get an exact fix on your location. Can you do that sweety?”
Clifford: “For Christ’s sake I’m hanging here like a rack of lamb down at Pete’s butcher shop and they want me to call them? Fine, fine, get a hold of Merle and get him on the way. He’s probably over at Hootie’s Lounge getting all pissed up again.”
Clifford dialed 911 and then waited. He waited and he waited and he waited. He waited so long his sinuses started to back up and he could swear he could no longer feel Mr. Winky. My God he thought, I might be paralyzed from the waist down. I might be confined to a wheel chair for the rest my life with the only hunting being for my Colonoscopy bag. All of sudden he thought he heard something. “Click” What was that sound? All of a sudden he heard it again. “Click” Fear raced through Clifford as he envisioned a Bear or worse yet a Mountain Lion stealthily approaching all the while hungrily eyeing the camouflaged morsel hanging from the tree. “Click.” Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spied the source of the noise. It was Merle taking pictures with his cell phone. He had a big shit eating grin on his face.
Clifford: “God Damn you Merle! Get me down, get me down right now you ass hole!”
Merle: “No problem little brother, help’s on the way and we’ll get you out of there. How come you didn’t call 911 like you were supposed to and help the process along?”
Well they got Clifford out of the tree and back safely on earth. Clifford was the sort of guy that tried to learn from adversity. The first thing he learned was that he didn’t really like hunting that much anymore so he gave the rifle, camouflage suit and paint to Merle for saving him. Then just as quickly he took them right back when the pictures of him hanging upside down from the tree ended up on the Internet titled, “Go Ahead, Make My Day!” He went out and purchased a 220 gallon fish tank and adopted a new hobby of collecting exotic fish. It was safer and much more relaxing than hanging around loo0king for just the right buck anyway. He also reread his cell phone manual, especially the part that instructed you that after you punch in your desired phone number you then hit the button that says SEND!
Saturday morning dawned bright and early and Clifford slipped out of the bed where his wife Sonia quietly slept and he headed out to bag his first Deer of the season. A good hunter, Clifford was out of the driveway by 5:00 AM and headed for his Deer stand where, disguised as a tree he would slay a Deer just as the early settlers had done. Of course they didn’t have access to a Deer stand, camouflage paint and suit, high powered 7mm 08 Remington rifle with scope or Essence of Deer Urine. Clifford walked the mile and half to where the Deer stand was set up in a tree approximately twelve feet off the ground. The tree, a stately cotton wood gave him a good view of the meadow just west of his location. After liberally spreading the Deer Urine around, he shinnied up the tree and prepared himself.
Because Clifford was an Iowa Man and experienced in the hunting game he went through his checklist like a professional airline pilot. Everything was snug with the blind. He checked the Remington to make sure he’d chambered a shell and that the gun was loaded. He dialed in and tested his scope. The field of vision was clear and he even checked to make sure the cell phone in his pocket was turned off. It had been a tad embarrassing last year when he had zeroed in on a six point buck about 100 yards away and Sonia had called him to remind him to stop at the grocery store and pick up a frozen pizza. When the damn thing rang it startled him and as he jumped, the gun had gone off and the deer had trotted right past the stand looking over its shoulder as if to say, gee what a dumb ass. He had looked around and fortunately there wasn’t anybody that could claim to be a witness and that was probably good because he might have accidentally shot them when the gun went off. That would have really required a lot of explaining and would have been time consuming. Well, this time that wasn’t going to happen. The phone was off and she could pick up her own damn frozen pizza!
Clifford felt like a deadly predator and for a moment pitied the poor dumb buck he was about to bag. As he got set up, he all of sudden noticed the rope that helped secure the stand had come loose and he reached down to secure it. At that very moment as he was reaching he also noticed something move off to the west and then saw the biggest damn buck he’d ever seen. So there he was reaching for the rifle at the same time he was reaching for the rope and it suddenly occurred to him that you really didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of flexibility in a camouflage suit. Well, what happened next was not the way they drew it up on ESPN2. The rifle slipped as he was reaching for it and dropped on the deck and went off with a crack which drove Clifford backwards over the edge of the Deer Blind. Fortunately his foot got hung up in the rope and it caught him as he tumbled over backwards out of the blind. Unfortunately, though saved by the rope, he was hanging upside down by the leg seven feet off the ground and his blood circulation was being cut off around his foot.
He didn’t dare struggle or he’d fall the remaining seven feet and land on his head and break his neck. What to do? Ah, the cell phone. THE CELL PHONE! Fortunately his hands were free and he could reach his pants pocket. He turned the phone on and quickly speed dialed his brother Gilbert. There he was, hanging upside down listening to Gilbert’s customized ring playing George Thorogood’s song, “Bad to the Bone.” Finally Gilbert answered:
Gilbert: “Cliffy, what do you want brother?”
Clifford: “Gilbert, I need help! I’m hanging upside down from my tree stand out here in Byers Woods seven miles west of town. I’m starting to get light headed and I have to pee like a race horse.”
Gilbert: “You’re what? You can’t be serious.”
Clifford: “I am serious and I need help! Christ if a bear comes along I’ll be like one of those takeout micro-wave meals!”
Gilbert: “Hey brother, I’m clear the hell down here in Cedar Rapids buying some plumbing supplies. There’s no way I can get to you in time. You better call your wife and have her get someone out there.”
Clifford: “Gilbert, I need help! I’m in desperate straits here. My leg is going numb.”
Gilbert: “Sorry brother, but call the wife that’s your best bet.” Click!
Clifford: “Gilbert? Gilbert? Shit he hung up on me! Damn it you dumb ass!”
Clifford quickly got busy dialing his wife Sonia. He was having trouble seeing the screen, but managed to hit the speed dial and heard the phone ring. This time the music was Santana’s “I ain’t got nobody.” No shit he thought! Finally Sonia picked up the phone.
Sonia: “Clifford, I’m so glad you called, we need some milk from the store when you head back into town. “
Clifford: “Sonia, for Christ’s sake I’m your husband, not "Cliff’s Delivery Service." I’m in trouble out here in Byer’s woods and I need you to get help before I pass out.”
Sonia: “I’m only asking you to stop and pick up a gallon of milk, not negotiate a peace treaty with the Chinese for goodness sakes.”
Clifford: “SONIA! What part of you’re about to become a widow don’t you understand? I’m upside down, hanging seven feet off the ground and my camouflage suit is starting to give me a snuggy. Please call 911 and then get a hold of my brother Merle and get him out here.”
Sonia: “Oh Cliffy, don’t die my sweet! I’ll call 911 and then call you right back.” (Slight Pause) “Cliffy?”
Clifford: “What dear?”
Sonia: “What’s the number for 911?”
Clifford: “9-1-1 for Christ sakes! Hurry!”
Clifford hung upside down and noticed he was swaying a bit in the breeze. Great, he thought, a green camouflaged pendulum on a Cotton Wood clock. Just then the phone rang. He made a quick mental note to change his customized ring. John Mayer’s song “Gravity” no longer sounded cool to him.
Clifford weakly: “Cliff here. Sonia?”
Sonia: “Cliffy hang in there. I called 911 and they told me to have you call them so they can get an exact fix on your location. Can you do that sweety?”
Clifford: “For Christ’s sake I’m hanging here like a rack of lamb down at Pete’s butcher shop and they want me to call them? Fine, fine, get a hold of Merle and get him on the way. He’s probably over at Hootie’s Lounge getting all pissed up again.”
Clifford dialed 911 and then waited. He waited and he waited and he waited. He waited so long his sinuses started to back up and he could swear he could no longer feel Mr. Winky. My God he thought, I might be paralyzed from the waist down. I might be confined to a wheel chair for the rest my life with the only hunting being for my Colonoscopy bag. All of sudden he thought he heard something. “Click” What was that sound? All of a sudden he heard it again. “Click” Fear raced through Clifford as he envisioned a Bear or worse yet a Mountain Lion stealthily approaching all the while hungrily eyeing the camouflaged morsel hanging from the tree. “Click.” Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spied the source of the noise. It was Merle taking pictures with his cell phone. He had a big shit eating grin on his face.
Clifford: “God Damn you Merle! Get me down, get me down right now you ass hole!”
Merle: “No problem little brother, help’s on the way and we’ll get you out of there. How come you didn’t call 911 like you were supposed to and help the process along?”
Well they got Clifford out of the tree and back safely on earth. Clifford was the sort of guy that tried to learn from adversity. The first thing he learned was that he didn’t really like hunting that much anymore so he gave the rifle, camouflage suit and paint to Merle for saving him. Then just as quickly he took them right back when the pictures of him hanging upside down from the tree ended up on the Internet titled, “Go Ahead, Make My Day!” He went out and purchased a 220 gallon fish tank and adopted a new hobby of collecting exotic fish. It was safer and much more relaxing than hanging around loo0king for just the right buck anyway. He also reread his cell phone manual, especially the part that instructed you that after you punch in your desired phone number you then hit the button that says SEND!
No comments:
Post a Comment