Byron

It’s tough living in a family of geniuses. Take my brother-in law Byron for example. Byron is one of them there expansive types and chooses to always go his own way. Take the art of wine making for which Byron is unsurpassed. Byron studied the art of wine making for several months and then one day declared after a few snoots of Jim Beam, “Shit, anybody can make wine from grapes. Hell them French fellers and even them candy assed Californians can make wine from grapes. To hell with Ernst and Julio! I’m going to expand the wine industry by making wine from different and assorted products!” Why, this very proclamation was written down on #2 typing paper and stapled over the door to Byron’s basement.

Byron took to his new calling like a Duck to water. First there was the Rhubarb wine, vintage summer of 84. Byron named it “Pucker Port.” Then came the potato wine, vintage summer of 85 that he named “Down and Dirty Port.” That very next summer Byron created a summer double and we had a hearty supply of “Black Cap” and “Beet” wine. Byron liked to brag that the alcohol content of his vintage products was pert near double anything that Gallo fella ever did. After the beet and blackcap wine came the Dandelion, Strawberry and Turnip wines, along with a batch of stronger Rhubarb and Blackcap wines. Byron even started scribbling some notes related to the watermelon he was growing.

Byron became so passionate about his wine making and the necessary product sampling that it became necessary for him to have a cot placed in the corner of the basement so’s he could rest after hours of intense taste testing. It became common place amongst the family members to always look in the basement first if Byron came up missing. I remember one day I went down to fetch him and as I helped him up the stairs he confided in me that wine making was a great weight upon his shoulders being the only man in the industry that could not only make wine from everything in the garden, but the weeds to. We sure didn’t mind that Byron was sort of a “wine savant” cause it meant lot’s of free booze, but quite frankly I sure as hell couldn’t tell the year or the vegetable I was drinking, but it sure did knock you on your ass and that’s what counted.

Of course along with fame sometimes you’re saddled with an ego that’s a tad bigger than it should be. We really did get sick and tired of his damn out bursts like, “Boones Farm’s got nothing on me! That’s just amateur wine!” or “That Earnest and Joolio guy can kiss my ass. Why you might as well be a drinkin water than to drink their piss!” It all came to a head one day when Byron decided he wanted to sex up his wine inventory a bit and he started pasting pictures of naked girls on the bottles that he'd printed up off one of them there titty sites on the Internet. His wife Fran got more than a little pissed off and declared the winery closed until further notice. This didn’t go over too well with Byron and he complained that no one, not even his truly betrothed should interfere with his artistic genius. Of course Fran’s position was one of, “I see one more naked picture on a wine bottle or “naked babes of Baltimore” on my Google pop down and I’m taking a knife to your “your pop up," if you know what mean.” Well with that Fran had the final word and Byron had to channel his creative energies in a new direction so’s he took up making homemade beer. It just goes to show, you can’t keep a good man down.